Mad Elf's Problem Page

A small problem...

Dear Sir / Madam / Other (delete as applicable)

I have been feeling increasingly low recently. I have been persecuted by people who I once numbered amongst my friends. I used to be a perfectly happy gnome, content to wander around Oerth with an assorted group of non-gnomes. My position in the party was to orchestrate combat from the rear, casting multitudinous, wondrous illusions (and other magicks), throwing the occasional dart as required.

However, in the last few months, I have been more and more annoyed with the cheap jibes about my stature. Also Odie, my loyal ground-squirrel familiar, seems to be getting concerned about the attitude of certain other party members, one of whom refers to him as 'Kebab'. Although he doesn't understand Common, he knows it's an insult. I don't know if the party has become less tolerant of me, or if I have just started to notice them more. These feelings were particularly acute when I passed through my homelands recently, no more than a dozen leagues from my home.

Please help me out of this predicament. Should I just go back to the Stark Mounds and settle down (or perhaps find a group of Gnomish adventurers)? Maybe I should just be more forgiving and stay with my current party?

Yours worriedly,

Stratocumulus the Superlative Spell-caster of the Stark Mounds,
Hochoch, Grand Duchy of Geoff, Oerth

P.S. I haven't had any since I left home years ago.

Mad Elf replies...

Have you considered the merits of a few Acid Arrows in the back? Perhaps if one of your companions were to have an 'accident' (such as having his legs cut off at the knees), the rest would be more civil.

That would be rather drastic, though. If, as you say, these people are your friends, it could be that they have become sufficiently comfortable with the relationship to consider these jibes as nothing more than friendly horseplay. Knowing this, you could become less irritated by their comments; however if you don't, a quiet statement of your misgivings would surely make them more polite. The same can be said for Odie: the comments are probably meant in a friendly way.

As for leaving your group: if all gnomes were to stop associating with taller folk, they would soon be a ghettoised minority, insular and distrusted or hated by others - not a desirable result. And anyway, a party composed entirely of gnomes would have the survival chances of a grape in a wine-making festival.

Perhaps your best solution would be to have a holiday from adventuring. From what you have said, I think you may just be homesick. A couple of months resting in the bosom of your family, and you would be ready for anything.

One point: using expressions like 'feeling low' is one sure way of having comments made about your height. Most people can't resist a straight line.

P.S. Have you considered sheep?

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