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For Mad Elf.
Duh... I am a troll so I not can rite. But I have big problem.
I is in der watch (cos of Sgt. Detritus said he'd hit me) and my mate Ignius is too. And see wot happened was dat him and me wos investigating crimes, like wot we're meant to. An' we foun' dis buildin', rite? Us an' 2 shortarses an' a
Now, da point is dat Ignius wos outside 'keepin' watch'. I started screamin' "Oaahg" wich meens 'Oh shit I gonna die'. An' you no wot? De bastard ran away.
So wot I want to know is dis - now wot do I do wiv 'im?
Rocky (troll of da watch)
Mad Elf replies...
I reckon you got away from the Sender all right, or you'd have asked for help with it. Well done. So you're just looking for a way to pay your mate back for running out on you.
There are all sorts of ways you could get back at him, like painting "Chrysophrase is a coprolith" on his back, or spiking his sulphur with radium. But then he'd know it was you, so you need to be more subtle (you know, sneaky).
Try this. Each time he goes to sleep (he does sleep in the Watch-house, yeah?) get some cement (make sure it's the same colour as him) and put it round his middle. Just a little at a time. Then after a week or two, start saying "Ignius, you're getting fat" and things like that. By a month he'll be really big and everyone on the Watch will be saying "Look at that fat troll" and "When's it due, Ignius" and you can have a good laugh.