Mad Elf's Problem Page

My race is dying out...

Dear Elf,

My name is K'ruth. I am a Melnebonéan noble warrior sorceress priestess. On returning from a short vacation I found Imera sacked and Melneboné in ruins; the work of Elric and humans from the young kingdoms. There seem to be few Melnebonéans left, and I therefore see a need to improve my interspecies communication and interaction skills. I find most humans to be unintelligent and for such short animals seem obsessed with size. Anything a human can do I can usually do better, except for running long distances which is what a horse is for.

I can assure you that any advice you give will not be callously ignored.

Yours regretfully,

K'ruth

P.S. it better be good advice because if it is not you will be forcefed your own genitals by a demon. I hope you are not female.

Mad Elf replies...

Well, first of all you have to remember that humans don't have your lifespan and can't pick up all the skills and knowledge that you can. However, given that they breed so much faster, the species as a whole should show some improvement in intelligence over your lifespan.

For the moment, however, you'll need to learn how to interact with the humans you've already got. The first thing you have to realise is that humans, regardless of how ephemeral, short and thick they are, have the strange idea that being human is a particularly noble and fruitful state. The worst thing you can do is come across as a completely superior being; the poor things get inferiority complexes so easily, and whatever they feel inferior to, they try to kill. This may not seem a problem at the moment, but one of these days one of them is going to get lucky - and where would you be then? Your best bet is to think of the positive things about humans (other than how good they taste, etc.) and gloss over the negatives, at least when you're talking to them. (Eating sentients isn't at all clever, by the way.) Give them credit where they deserve it, praise them, and so on - but remember, don't overdo it, and especially don't be patronising; they really hate that too.

On the other hand, you could just forget the whole idea of interacting with them and just kill the lot of them.

P.S. Any species that can smash a 10,000-year-old empire can't be all that stupid.

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