Mad Elf's Problem Page

Fowl creatures...

My dear sir,

I would like some advice about how to convince my travelling companions about the hazards of mingling with poultry. They seem quite certain that chickens are as safe and harmless as they appear at first glance, when as we know in reality they are little demons who are only waiting for an opportunity to eat your brains. Even the "stork" incident didn't serve as warning, apparently, and now Cousin Honoria is telling me I am being ridiculous. Constantly having to be on the alert for attacking hens is starting to tax my strength, so I would deeply appreciate any advice you might have on this subject.

I remain, dear Sir,

your faithful servant
Douglas Blythe, MA

Mad Elf replies...

Convincing your companions to abandon their rose-tinted view of the world and accept its true horror is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do (at least, that's what Jennifer Marley, one of my regular correspondents, always says). The main problem is that most people won't even consider the possibility of brain-eating chickens without some kind of proof - and I take it that you would rather avoid having to supply the brain. As for the stork - well, from what I've heard it didn't look much like a chicken, and one diabolical (whether cerebivorous or not) bird-like creature doesn't logically mean that there will be other, different kinds. More of the same, now... No, for the moment I think you'd be best easing off from your companions.

What you need is a rest. If you were to get some relaxing done, you'd be in much better shape to tackle both your friends' indifference and the world at large. My suggestion is, take a leaf out of the book of travellers in foreign climes: rather than stay awake all night to defend themselves against the disease-carrying insects, they would string a fine net over their beds so they could sleep in peace. As chickens are rather much larger than mosquitoes, I would recommend the aptly-named chicken wire as an ideal material. Indeed, if you feel so inclined (and are very careful when rising), you could wire the 'chicken net' up to the mains for added protection. I'm sure that an educated gentleman such as yourself would be able to adapt this defence for use during the day as well.

Once you have recovered your inner strength, you will be in a better position to deal calmly with the unbelievers. I know that slights come much harsher from family, but I'm sure that your cousin will see the light soon.

Alternatively, you could try placating the chickens with sacrifice. I'm sure that an appropriate offering, say the brain of an unbeliever related to the appellant, would cause the chickens to think well of their worshipper, so that they would spare his life, and perhaps grant him gifts or power.

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